The Ramblings of an Inane Procrastinator

After my disturbing dream involving my ex asking me to take her back and me, quite neutrally, explaining it could never happen, I've found a weird new determination in me XD

I guess it's because after we broke up, I'd been down, sinking lower and lower till I was back to my suicidally depressed situation, much like the one I'd been trapped in before we got together. And painful though it has been, I've kept on moving forward and now I find myself well and truly over what happened. I don't feel anger or sorrow when I think of her, I simply do not think about her any more. And not in a way that I am trying to avoid such thoughts, she simply does not enter into the equation anymore.

It helps a great deal that she's off at University. Her home is relatively near to mine, but her Uni is hours away. So there is never any chance of running into her.

When she comes home, she often tries to meet up with our friends. As we were best friends before we were really together, we still share a lot of common friends. And though it wasn't exactly comfortable having to spend time with her, the presence of such friends that I see on a regular basis and she does not gave me strength.

I'm just feeling good about it now. I know she's never going to ask me to take her back, but the fact that I know I have the ability to tell her NO means that I DON'T WANT HER BACK. I don't need her in my life, and I can do whatever I want without her being around. It's just an immense feeling of relief, to be honest.



In other news, I've been stressing out over a slight weight gain. I've gone up 5 pounds recently and it's been making me neurotic. However, last night I was at my Jujutsu class, which I started last year and have been attending for just over 6 months now. I was chatting to one of the other guys there, who was telling me that since he started (at the same time as me, and he has a similar body shape) he has put on about 10 pounds. We were both laughing about it (albeit mine was a little strained) until we both realised that, despite having gained weight, neither of us had significant bulges of fat anywhere. We concluded, then, that we'd actually acquired muscle as opposed to fat from the intense work outs of our training.

This did make me feel better. I'd rather have a little muscle than a lot of fat. I'd prefer to keep my weight down, but gaining in muscle doesn't concern me so much as a gain in fat. Therefore, I am going to restrict a little more heavily (haha) for the rest of February, and see how it goes. If the weight drops of quickly, I'll assume it really was fat. But, if the weight stays roughly the same, I can be fairly certain that I'm dealing with muscle.

Anyway, enough of my chatter XD

All the Uni's have released their students back into the world, and many are flocking home to their families.

For me, this means that my ex will be tottling her way down from her Uni, many many counties away from me, back into my vicinty. Why is this such a problem? Can't I just be smart and realise we probably won't ever see each other, given her random new development of interests that certainly don't correlate with mine AT ALL, anymore?

WELL THIS IS A PROBLEM... because she was my best friend before she was my girlfriend, and though she and many of our other friends moved away to Uni, when we're all back in the same place, we'll all have the chance to meet up and catch up.

So, inevitably, I will find myself with her at some point.

I'm not afraid of us getting back together - it can't happen, it's completely impossible. There is nothing there anymore, she's nothing like the girl I fell in love with.

I'm not afraid of getting into an argument - neither of us enjoy talking about the relationship we once had.

Also, she's so different now. Not just since she went to Uni, since we broke up. She changed, seemingly overnight, into everything I hate in a human being. Was it just me seeing her in a different light? Perhaps in some ways, but she started doing new things, trying new things - and that's fine, that really is... it's just that she used to have such strong morals and convictions, and it's like she threw them all away, just like she did with me.

Gah... I'm ranting, but it's because all I can think about right now is what I'm going to do when we come into contact.

x

I've been doing better.

I'm not going to try and kill myself again. I'm trying to keep life moving.

Even if it hurts.

My life has ended, and I don't want to be here anymore.

I've been absent for months and will probably stay that way. I am going to die by my own hand, it's just a matter of time.

I fucking hate this.

Having been gone for ages, the young man returns.

Exams are over and I'm officially FREE OF SCHOOL. No more stupid sixth form, no more registration or assemblies or studying subjects I loathe so intensely it makes me want to buy an AK-47 and blast the crap out of mortar and people alike. Actually, that's almost identical to something I wrote in my general studies essay...but that's besides the point.

I want to go to Uni. I do, really...only I'm rather convinced my grades will be so awful I won't be able to. I've been so stressed lately that I've made myself ill almost continuously...and yet has the weight dropped off? That's a big fat no.

Now that everything's calming down I can, at least, get back to my exercise regime and control my calories and bring that big ol' weight DOWN. I want to see a little ab muscle, just a little! Damn it all, I will be a slender soldier if, and when, I make it to Uni! I've got about 10 weeks to improve myself, and I will be 115lbs if it kills me, honestly.

Anyway, sorry to anyone it seems I may have been ignoring...I meant to leave a post here saying I'd be away...but some things you just never quite get round to when your almost at heart-failure from anxiety. :D

xxx

Well, last night was a failure. My girlfriend and I attempted to see McFly (having not been able to afford tickets to their Up Close and Personal Tour due to bastards buying them in bulk and selling them on ebay for about £400) but were sorely disappointed.

We saw their retreating backs for several seconds when they finally left their interview behind their tour bus. Security guards actually prevented us from moving too far to the side on the field - where we might ACTUALLY have been able to view them. Lord forbid, right?

We did manage to see Lil' Chris. I got a kick out of that, I suppose. Nothing like seeing a celebrity in real life, right? He's not much of a celebrity, but I did quite religiously watch Rock School, so props to me for meeting one of them (from a distance of about 6 feet with him refusing to come and sign autographs).

There was also a weird girl claiming to know McFly and making outrageous accusations to one of the tour crew that sounded like she was implying she had slept with him. This seemed ridiculous, not simply because she was vastly overweight and had the attitude of a practised stalker, but his complete denial of who she was must have told her the ploy was NOT going to work? I saw her trumping home, defeated, about half an hour later.

I managed to grab myself a tee shirt and poster, so I'm not completely destroyed about having a no-victory with the event. There is still the possiblity of seeing them at the Astoria, and I am going to arrange that.

I'll be uploading a video soon that my girlfriend made of us pretending to be adoring fans to someone in Any Dream Will Do.

Oh God. That time. Prom time. It's that heavily Americanised tradition that England has recently begun to adopt. And obviously, the hideous reality is that it's nothing more than an over-glorified disco that, now everyone is 18 or almost 18, they can bring DATES too.

As if that isn't an issue enough (I'm at the point where killing off everyone who starts a conversation on who they're bringing and who's dating who and who's breaking up with who to take who...seems like the best idea I have EVER had), but it's costing a complete fortune. Why do I have to spend so much money (when I'm not exactly rich) on something I can tell I'm not going to enjoy? I don't even want to go. I'm only attending the stupid event because it means so much to my girlfriend. Personally, I'd rather remove my testicles than go, but there we are. Anything for the one you love, right?

And where should I start about clothing? Everywhere I go in my school, you hear another girl start raving about her dress. As for me? I have no idea how I'm going to afford a tux. Even worse - how the hell am I going to look okay by Prom? I'm still far too fat and I'm going to be bulging at the seams trying to squeeze into tapered trousers and a waistcoat. More than that, I'm going to look like a complete retard.

It's not like I can suddenly strike up a conversation about it with anyone, either. At the risk of making myself seem several steps more gay, it seems better to stay quiet about the whole thing. And I am not going to discuss weight issues with my girlfriend, not when she's finally recovered.

I'm so stressed right now. It might seem stupid, and yeah, it really is. I should be worrying about my exams, about my coursework, about how I'm never going to make it to Uni...and instead, I'm fretting about tuxedos and Prom night.

My priorities are set, then.

xxx